Highly symptomatic

Highly symptomatic month (March 2012). Numerous new memories (which have implicated more every day objects/situations in the list of things that trigger me). Lots of flashbacks, many involve me struggling to free myself from Abuser (or in objective reality, against air or my imagined abuser…but it is still tiring…as in my muscles hurt and are fatigued just as though I were struggling against someone three times my size). Even more sensitive to certain odors (the scientist in me wants a way of quantifying this). Visual hallucinations that are not part of flashbacks and do not have anything to do with my trauma. Highly sensitive to/triggered by many, many printed words (including things like ‘girl’, ‘prom’, etc). Super extra bothered by cooking in kitchen and hot food. Mistook Boyfriend for Abuser twice in last two weeks. Nightmares. Noticeably missing over the last month until tonight was the desire to(or images of) self injure. But now that enters the picture. Every sharp object looks good to stab myself with. Forks. Knives. Pens. Safety pins. And images of my right arm bleeding, axial ragged cuts. I’ve done internal communication. Compassion. Leadership. What are they trying to tell me. I get nowhere.

Spring as a trigger?

I’m sitting outside in 70 degree weather listening to birds singing and seeing east coast (of the US) flowers and trees blooming. And I’m coming to the realization that spring on the east coast (northeast, relatively speaking) is triggering. I’m having all sorts of flashbacks that I haven’t had before. I guess living out west, as I had for some years as an adult, masked the seasonal triggers since the sounds, sights and scents associated with seasonal change were completely different than what I had grown up with (on the northeast coast).

More symptoms

Olfactory hallucinations.

Compulsive desire to shower. Because I think I smell bad (although I’m pretty sure I don’t).

Strong urges to cut my forearms, with graphic images reminiscent of a music video Boyfriend showed me yesterday.