Take a Roast Beef Sandwich and Call Me in the Morning

I went to my primary care physician this afternoon to discuss my adventures in weight loss. Just so you don’t hold your breath, she said nothing that was surprising. So, what DID she say?

She thinks it’s great that I’m doing what I’m doing regarding exercise and diet. She reassured me that given the amount and variety of exercise that I have been doing for the last 6 weeks, she is certain I’ve been burning fat but probably putting on a lot of muscle (I can see that – like I said before, my body is a different shape and my large arm and leg muscles are quite…om…firmer than they were before, for lack of a more precise way of saying that). Apparently, this presumed muscle mass increase is due not only to the length of time I spend exercising each day (45-120 minutes EVERY day) but also the fact that I do a variety of exercises (something different each day on roughly a 4-6-day cycle). She told me that the variety helps burn more fat and build more muscle than doing the same thing each day because if one engages in the same exercise each day, one starts performing it more as an execution of a muscle memory thing than a body toning thing. It sounded convincing when it came from my doctor. She isn’t surprised, therefore, that I’ve lost so little weight (3-4 pounds in about 6 weeks) and suggested the following: eating protein after I exercise (she suggested a roast beef sandwich. I’m not kidding.) and eating 5 tiny meals throughout the day (while maintaining the same caloric intake – about 1400 calories NET). She said a visit to a dietician/nutritionist might be helpful to make adjustments to what I eat, but after we discussed what I am eating on an average day, she kinda changed her mind about the magnitude of the impact a dietician would have (because I’m already doing most of the things such a person would probably tell me). We did some blood work to make sure I don’t have a thyroid or vitamin B12 problem, each of which could lead to a metabolic problem that would manifest itself as me not losing weight when I’ve been trying so hard. And lastly, I’m to see her again in a month.

So overall, the message was: continue being patient; I’m doing everything right; and once beyond the initial phase of body readjustment to new lifestyle, I will start to see the weight come off and it should go a heck of a lot faster than it has been for the last 6 weeks.

Adventures in weight loss; positive reinforcement

I saw someone I haven’t seen in at least three months. This is a person whose opinion/observations of me I have every reason to trust. So…it really meant a lot to me when she told me I looked good, that I looked more toned, and that even my face was a different shape than it had been. So, seems like despite the fact that I haven’t lost much weight, I really am making progress with my exercise. Thank you for noticing and thank you for saying something, J!!

Trapped in my own body and mind in a flashback; alters present and interact with Boyfriend

Last night I was stuck in a flashback for about 45 minutes. Boyfriend was over and we were just getting ready to go to sleep. In fact, I think the lights were already off when the flashback started.

For the first ~15 minutes (coreSelf was staring at the clock to try to stay even a tiny bit present), I wasn’t able to articulate anything or move in any meaningful way, so Boyfriend had no idea what was going on. I felt trapped in my body, even though both in my head and in a barely-audible-even-to-me whisper I was continuously asking him to turn the lights on. In my head I was also aware of moving my arm to get his attention, but I don’t think that happened in reality. When my arm finally did move, he thought I was asking for him to rub my back, which he did. Unfortunately, this was very possibly the worst thing that could have happened since I was having a flashback to Abuser being in my bed in the dark and rubbing my back and shoulders. However, at this point, all Boyfriend knew was that we were lying in the dark and he had kinda felt my arm move and that I wasn’t saying anything. Right around the 15 minute mark, I must have finally been able to say ‘lights’ loud enough that he heard it. ‘Lights.’ ‘What? Lights?’ ‘Lights.’ ‘What about lights? You want me to turn the lights on?’ ‘Yes. Lights.’ Ok, he finally turns the lights on.

It was Katerina (age 16) who was out and she was now convinced that we were in my childhood house which had 3 levels and a basement. We saw the door that led to the basement and we were sitting at the desk on the ground floor at which much sexual abuse happened. Katerina, because she knows the stairs are there but coreSelf is telling her they are not, asks Boyfriend: are there any stairs in this apartment? Is there a downstairs in this apartment? Boyfriend: yes. CoreSelf is now furious at Boyfriend – there are no stairs in my apartment! – why is he telling her (Katerina) there are? Katerina continues to think we’re being abused. Eventually I, coreSelf, convinced Katerina that she should ask Boyfriend again about the stairs situation, putting particular emphasis on ‘this apartment’. Boyfriend now replies: no, there are no stairs in this apartment. No explanation follows as to why 5 minutes ago there were stairs and now there are none. Now Katerina doesn’t trust Boyfriend and is pretty convinced that he is Abuser and thus wants him to go away. CoreSelf is busy struggling with the situation I had just created in which Katerina doesn’t want anything to do with Boyfriend and in which I, coreSelf, can’t really speak or act on my will.

Boyfriend asks a few times whether there is anything he can do or anything that I need that would help, but these questions, from the asker’s perspective, were directed at coreSelf who was in no position to answer. Since Boyfriend gets no coherent response from me, he very obviously tries to go back to sleep (unfortunately, this sent messages to coreSelf that he doesn’t care about me enough to continue to try to help, but it also sent messages to Katerina that this was in fact Abuser). Katerina is growing more and more convinced that it is Abuser (and not someone safe) in bed with us, Boyfriend/Abuser is not going away and seems as determined as ever to stay, and I’m trying to figure out what to do. I finally hit upon an idea – since I vaguely remember that dramatic state changes/sensory input often help lessen dissociation, my goal now becomes to get Boyfriend to get a wet paper towel and rub it on my skin. So, I manage one word: water. He goes to get me a glass of water. I manage more phrases which include ‘wet paper towel’. He gets the wet paper towel, rubs it on my skin and I’m back to being coreSelf for all of 10 seconds, but then I’m (mostly) gone again.

It’s 30 minutes after the start of the flashback, and now Melody (age 5-8) is out. Melody is convinced that we’re in my childhood bed and that Abuser, while not currently present, will come home tonight, as he does every night, around midnight. (In my childhood home, my bedroom was right over the garage, so when Abuser came home, I’d be woken up by hearing the garage door open.) Melody knows for certain that since it is nearing midnight, we’re going to hear the garage door open soon and then Abuser will let himself into the house with his key and come into our bedroom. The questions she asks of Boyfriend: is anyone else in the apartment? (no). How do you know? Will someone come later? (no). How do you know? Doesn’t Abuser have the key to this apartment? (no). Altogether, Melody was out for about 15 minutes. It ended when someone asked Boyfriend to do the wet paper towel thing again. When I, coreSelf, was finally able to assure Boyfriend that I was now me/coreSelf, he asked whether we could now go to sleep. I was too confused/drained to be angry at him for this asinine suggestion, which clearly seemed to demonstrate a lack of caring about me and/or a lack of an understanding of how serious and unsettling the past 45 minutes had been. I said: I thought I was being sexually abused for the last 45 minutes and you want to go to sleep now?

We discussed what happened after that, and I’d like to believe (and I think I *do* believe) his suggestion about going to sleep was driven from a lack of understanding of what had just happened rather than a lack of concern.

For the entire 45 minutes of this flashback, I felt like I was trapped in my own body. My mind was (for the most part) formulating plans, asking questions, saying things, but I was almost completely unable to execute the plans or make myself heard.

As for Boyfriend…well. He did well in certain aspects and poorly in others. Since this was the first long and extremely dissociated flashback I’ve ever had in his presence, I hope it’s a learning experience for him. What he did right: asking (multiple times) whether there was anything he could do to help; when he understood what I was saying/asking, he did it immediately; telling me it was 2012 and that he was my boyfriend. What he did wrong: trying to go back to sleep during and after my flashback; using too few facts about my present life to help me ground (the ones he did use were helpful but it would have been more powerful if there were like 5 minutes of present-day facts rather than 5 seconds worth); expecting answers (can I do anything to help?) which would have required coreSelf executive function (which was not possible) rather than stating/suggesting things to help bring coreSelf to present; and answering the question about the stairs in the apartment factually incorrectly.

To Boyfriend’s credit, he did every single things which I and Therapist have suggested he do in these situations. For most of the things I listed in ‘things he did wrong’, it’s gonna take practice and/or additional instruction – I get that these things would not come naturally to someone who sees their loved one in distress, and I’m not particularly bothered by his not doing them. However, I am *extremely* bothered by his trying to go to sleep during and immediately after the flashback. Even if he didn’t know what to do and even if I was not asking him for anything specifically, nothing sends the message that ‘you’re on your own for this one; sorry, too tired to help now’ quite like insisting on sleep. The other thing which bothers me (but to a lesser extent) is the lack of attention to detail/facts when answering the question about stairs in the apartment. To me, that seems to say ‘I don’t want to exert much mental effort here’. The problem is, however, that attention to such detail during a flashback/dissociated phase can, and often does, make an enormous difference when it is coming from the only adult who is fully present.

For those of you worried about the relationship aspect of this whole situation, Boyfriend and I spoke about all the concerns I listed here. With respect to ‘additional things about my present life that could help ground me’, we even discussed things which would (personal details about where I work, who my friends are, etc) and would not (who the President of the US is) be helpful. We discussed why his insistence on going to sleep was hurtful to both me and confusing to my alters. We also discussed the mistrust engendered by the ‘yes stairs/no stairs’ thing and the importance of attention to detail. In other words, Boyfriend is fully aware of all my concerns contained in this post, and since he listened carefully and seemed concerned with how to be more helpful, I’m hopeful for the future.