Scared, alone, helpless; dissociation; new memories

The last 36 hours have been difficult. For the first time in…well, weeks or months, I’ve felt scared and helpless and someone inside thinks self-injury is a good idea. Intrusive memories turned into flashbacks which brought to mind new memories of the sexual abuse. New memories which I now have no recollection of. In fact, as I sit here trying to write a coherent version of what happened, I realize I don’t really know/remember. So let’s see…yesterday was Tuesday. I went to work until at least 3pm. I got home some time after that and the next thing I remember is….is what? I see that I (handwrote) a 1-page description of what was going on, I see that I texted my therapist to tell him I had new memories. But I don’t remember doing any of this. I remember a DID-part wanting to self-injure, but when I asked her why, she had no clear answer. I asked her to use words to describe her concerns, and those concerns may or may not be written on that handwritten page. So obviously I can’t remember most of what happened yesterday.

A wonderful thought has just occurred to me. As a measure of how far I have progressed in recovery from CSA/PTSD, I present as evidence the huge difference between how scared/alone/helpless I felt yesterday (and today) while this is going on and how good/integrated/normal/safe I felt in the weeks preceding. I remember a time when this difference didn’t exist because I always (and I really do mean ‘always’) felt scared/alone/helpless. That was the status quo. What I took to be a ‘good day’ then was a day when there was no self-injury and when I could kinda sorta remember some of what I’d done the day before, and such days were few and far between. Now the difference between a ‘good day(s)’ and a ‘bad day’ is much great and there are a lot more good days than bad. Ok, but back to the present…

So, yesterday in addition to the cognitive stuff (memories, intrusive thoughts, internal communication), there was sensory stuff too – hallucinations (taste and smell). But still, none of these things are coming together in a coherent narrative. I still can’t remember most of yesterday. So I’ll move along to today.

I went to my neurologist for a follow-up for my concussion. It’s still resolving. I still get tired toward the late afternoon and I still can’t exercise as I would like to. However, all in all, I’m much better than I was 3 weeks ago when I had continuous symptoms. After the doctor appointment, I took myself to one of the only safe places I could think of (therapist’s office waiting room) since I felt just about as vulerable as I did yesterday. I read a book (so yay for feeling safe enough there to have the focus to read a book), then took a 1-hour walk in the general direction of home, then got on the subway to go the rest of the way home. I clearly remember more of today than yesterday (perhaps only because today is more recent), but I still have the overall scared/alone/helpless thing going on. And that itself reminds me of when I was a child and actually scared/alone/helpless, but it also reminds me of when I had just started therapy and always felt scared/alone/helpless because I did not have any of the coping/safety skills I have today.

Trapped in my own body and mind in a flashback; alters present and interact with Boyfriend

Last night I was stuck in a flashback for about 45 minutes. Boyfriend was over and we were just getting ready to go to sleep. In fact, I think the lights were already off when the flashback started.

For the first ~15 minutes (coreSelf was staring at the clock to try to stay even a tiny bit present), I wasn’t able to articulate anything or move in any meaningful way, so Boyfriend had no idea what was going on. I felt trapped in my body, even though both in my head and in a barely-audible-even-to-me whisper I was continuously asking him to turn the lights on. In my head I was also aware of moving my arm to get his attention, but I don’t think that happened in reality. When my arm finally did move, he thought I was asking for him to rub my back, which he did. Unfortunately, this was very possibly the worst thing that could have happened since I was having a flashback to Abuser being in my bed in the dark and rubbing my back and shoulders. However, at this point, all Boyfriend knew was that we were lying in the dark and he had kinda felt my arm move and that I wasn’t saying anything. Right around the 15 minute mark, I must have finally been able to say ‘lights’ loud enough that he heard it. ‘Lights.’ ‘What? Lights?’ ‘Lights.’ ‘What about lights? You want me to turn the lights on?’ ‘Yes. Lights.’ Ok, he finally turns the lights on.

It was Katerina (age 16) who was out and she was now convinced that we were in my childhood house which had 3 levels and a basement. We saw the door that led to the basement and we were sitting at the desk on the ground floor at which much sexual abuse happened. Katerina, because she knows the stairs are there but coreSelf is telling her they are not, asks Boyfriend: are there any stairs in this apartment? Is there a downstairs in this apartment? Boyfriend: yes. CoreSelf is now furious at Boyfriend – there are no stairs in my apartment! – why is he telling her (Katerina) there are? Katerina continues to think we’re being abused. Eventually I, coreSelf, convinced Katerina that she should ask Boyfriend again about the stairs situation, putting particular emphasis on ‘this apartment’. Boyfriend now replies: no, there are no stairs in this apartment. No explanation follows as to why 5 minutes ago there were stairs and now there are none. Now Katerina doesn’t trust Boyfriend and is pretty convinced that he is Abuser and thus wants him to go away. CoreSelf is busy struggling with the situation I had just created in which Katerina doesn’t want anything to do with Boyfriend and in which I, coreSelf, can’t really speak or act on my will.

Boyfriend asks a few times whether there is anything he can do or anything that I need that would help, but these questions, from the asker’s perspective, were directed at coreSelf who was in no position to answer. Since Boyfriend gets no coherent response from me, he very obviously tries to go back to sleep (unfortunately, this sent messages to coreSelf that he doesn’t care about me enough to continue to try to help, but it also sent messages to Katerina that this was in fact Abuser). Katerina is growing more and more convinced that it is Abuser (and not someone safe) in bed with us, Boyfriend/Abuser is not going away and seems as determined as ever to stay, and I’m trying to figure out what to do. I finally hit upon an idea – since I vaguely remember that dramatic state changes/sensory input often help lessen dissociation, my goal now becomes to get Boyfriend to get a wet paper towel and rub it on my skin. So, I manage one word: water. He goes to get me a glass of water. I manage more phrases which include ‘wet paper towel’. He gets the wet paper towel, rubs it on my skin and I’m back to being coreSelf for all of 10 seconds, but then I’m (mostly) gone again.

It’s 30 minutes after the start of the flashback, and now Melody (age 5-8) is out. Melody is convinced that we’re in my childhood bed and that Abuser, while not currently present, will come home tonight, as he does every night, around midnight. (In my childhood home, my bedroom was right over the garage, so when Abuser came home, I’d be woken up by hearing the garage door open.) Melody knows for certain that since it is nearing midnight, we’re going to hear the garage door open soon and then Abuser will let himself into the house with his key and come into our bedroom. The questions she asks of Boyfriend: is anyone else in the apartment? (no). How do you know? Will someone come later? (no). How do you know? Doesn’t Abuser have the key to this apartment? (no). Altogether, Melody was out for about 15 minutes. It ended when someone asked Boyfriend to do the wet paper towel thing again. When I, coreSelf, was finally able to assure Boyfriend that I was now me/coreSelf, he asked whether we could now go to sleep. I was too confused/drained to be angry at him for this asinine suggestion, which clearly seemed to demonstrate a lack of caring about me and/or a lack of an understanding of how serious and unsettling the past 45 minutes had been. I said: I thought I was being sexually abused for the last 45 minutes and you want to go to sleep now?

We discussed what happened after that, and I’d like to believe (and I think I *do* believe) his suggestion about going to sleep was driven from a lack of understanding of what had just happened rather than a lack of concern.

For the entire 45 minutes of this flashback, I felt like I was trapped in my own body. My mind was (for the most part) formulating plans, asking questions, saying things, but I was almost completely unable to execute the plans or make myself heard.

As for Boyfriend…well. He did well in certain aspects and poorly in others. Since this was the first long and extremely dissociated flashback I’ve ever had in his presence, I hope it’s a learning experience for him. What he did right: asking (multiple times) whether there was anything he could do to help; when he understood what I was saying/asking, he did it immediately; telling me it was 2012 and that he was my boyfriend. What he did wrong: trying to go back to sleep during and after my flashback; using too few facts about my present life to help me ground (the ones he did use were helpful but it would have been more powerful if there were like 5 minutes of present-day facts rather than 5 seconds worth); expecting answers (can I do anything to help?) which would have required coreSelf executive function (which was not possible) rather than stating/suggesting things to help bring coreSelf to present; and answering the question about the stairs in the apartment factually incorrectly.

To Boyfriend’s credit, he did every single things which I and Therapist have suggested he do in these situations. For most of the things I listed in ‘things he did wrong’, it’s gonna take practice and/or additional instruction – I get that these things would not come naturally to someone who sees their loved one in distress, and I’m not particularly bothered by his not doing them. However, I am *extremely* bothered by his trying to go to sleep during and immediately after the flashback. Even if he didn’t know what to do and even if I was not asking him for anything specifically, nothing sends the message that ‘you’re on your own for this one; sorry, too tired to help now’ quite like insisting on sleep. The other thing which bothers me (but to a lesser extent) is the lack of attention to detail/facts when answering the question about stairs in the apartment. To me, that seems to say ‘I don’t want to exert much mental effort here’. The problem is, however, that attention to such detail during a flashback/dissociated phase can, and often does, make an enormous difference when it is coming from the only adult who is fully present.

For those of you worried about the relationship aspect of this whole situation, Boyfriend and I spoke about all the concerns I listed here. With respect to ‘additional things about my present life that could help ground me’, we even discussed things which would (personal details about where I work, who my friends are, etc) and would not (who the President of the US is) be helpful. We discussed why his insistence on going to sleep was hurtful to both me and confusing to my alters. We also discussed the mistrust engendered by the ‘yes stairs/no stairs’ thing and the importance of attention to detail. In other words, Boyfriend is fully aware of all my concerns contained in this post, and since he listened carefully and seemed concerned with how to be more helpful, I’m hopeful for the future.

Recurring nightmare/flashback; pushing against what ain’t there

Since my last post, I’ve been having a recurring realistic scene play out both in my dreams and as a flashback. It mostly involves Abuser touching me in what he (and Mother) considered a playful manner. I’m beginning to trigger myself, so I’m going to keep this short. The flashbacks have involved me moving my arms in a way that is reminiscent of me trying to push Abuser away (and although I end up pushing air, or in one instance, Boyfriend, it feels as though I am pushing at Abuser) as I did when I was young. The dream involves me seeing both myself trying to push him away and my mother standing in the background telling me to ‘be nice’ because Abuser is playing/showing his love. In my dreams, I get hoarse telling Abuser to ‘stop’ or ‘go away’ so many times, but he keeps on doing what he’s doing, just as he did in real life. Similarly, in my flashbacks, my efforts are to no avail (thus the recurring scene is a replica of past reality in terms of the futility of my efforts).

Since this dream/flashback has been happening just about every other day for a week and half now, I have tried to interrupt the pattern (which involves me telling myself I’m bigger and stronger than I was then – and thus more able to physically fight against Abuser. It also involves me trying to send my adult self to the younger part of me that Abuser is touching. But my older self, at best, only observes from the sidelines). I’ve tried communicating with my parts too. They’re aware that I’m not currently experiencing abuse and that Abuser is far away and poses no real threat to me. But I continue having the same dream, same flashback.