Trapped in my own body and mind in a flashback; alters present and interact with Boyfriend
by andromache12
Last night I was stuck in a flashback for about 45 minutes. Boyfriend was over and we were just getting ready to go to sleep. In fact, I think the lights were already off when the flashback started.
For the first ~15 minutes (coreSelf was staring at the clock to try to stay even a tiny bit present), I wasn’t able to articulate anything or move in any meaningful way, so Boyfriend had no idea what was going on. I felt trapped in my body, even though both in my head and in a barely-audible-even-to-me whisper I was continuously asking him to turn the lights on. In my head I was also aware of moving my arm to get his attention, but I don’t think that happened in reality. When my arm finally did move, he thought I was asking for him to rub my back, which he did. Unfortunately, this was very possibly the worst thing that could have happened since I was having a flashback to Abuser being in my bed in the dark and rubbing my back and shoulders. However, at this point, all Boyfriend knew was that we were lying in the dark and he had kinda felt my arm move and that I wasn’t saying anything. Right around the 15 minute mark, I must have finally been able to say ‘lights’ loud enough that he heard it. ‘Lights.’ ‘What? Lights?’ ‘Lights.’ ‘What about lights? You want me to turn the lights on?’ ‘Yes. Lights.’ Ok, he finally turns the lights on.
It was Katerina (age 16) who was out and she was now convinced that we were in my childhood house which had 3 levels and a basement. We saw the door that led to the basement and we were sitting at the desk on the ground floor at which much sexual abuse happened. Katerina, because she knows the stairs are there but coreSelf is telling her they are not, asks Boyfriend: are there any stairs in this apartment? Is there a downstairs in this apartment? Boyfriend: yes. CoreSelf is now furious at Boyfriend – there are no stairs in my apartment! – why is he telling her (Katerina) there are? Katerina continues to think we’re being abused. Eventually I, coreSelf, convinced Katerina that she should ask Boyfriend again about the stairs situation, putting particular emphasis on ‘this apartment’. Boyfriend now replies: no, there are no stairs in this apartment. No explanation follows as to why 5 minutes ago there were stairs and now there are none. Now Katerina doesn’t trust Boyfriend and is pretty convinced that he is Abuser and thus wants him to go away. CoreSelf is busy struggling with the situation I had just created in which Katerina doesn’t want anything to do with Boyfriend and in which I, coreSelf, can’t really speak or act on my will.
Boyfriend asks a few times whether there is anything he can do or anything that I need that would help, but these questions, from the asker’s perspective, were directed at coreSelf who was in no position to answer. Since Boyfriend gets no coherent response from me, he very obviously tries to go back to sleep (unfortunately, this sent messages to coreSelf that he doesn’t care about me enough to continue to try to help, but it also sent messages to Katerina that this was in fact Abuser). Katerina is growing more and more convinced that it is Abuser (and not someone safe) in bed with us, Boyfriend/Abuser is not going away and seems as determined as ever to stay, and I’m trying to figure out what to do. I finally hit upon an idea – since I vaguely remember that dramatic state changes/sensory input often help lessen dissociation, my goal now becomes to get Boyfriend to get a wet paper towel and rub it on my skin. So, I manage one word: water. He goes to get me a glass of water. I manage more phrases which include ‘wet paper towel’. He gets the wet paper towel, rubs it on my skin and I’m back to being coreSelf for all of 10 seconds, but then I’m (mostly) gone again.
It’s 30 minutes after the start of the flashback, and now Melody (age 5-8) is out. Melody is convinced that we’re in my childhood bed and that Abuser, while not currently present, will come home tonight, as he does every night, around midnight. (In my childhood home, my bedroom was right over the garage, so when Abuser came home, I’d be woken up by hearing the garage door open.) Melody knows for certain that since it is nearing midnight, we’re going to hear the garage door open soon and then Abuser will let himself into the house with his key and come into our bedroom. The questions she asks of Boyfriend: is anyone else in the apartment? (no). How do you know? Will someone come later? (no). How do you know? Doesn’t Abuser have the key to this apartment? (no). Altogether, Melody was out for about 15 minutes. It ended when someone asked Boyfriend to do the wet paper towel thing again. When I, coreSelf, was finally able to assure Boyfriend that I was now me/coreSelf, he asked whether we could now go to sleep. I was too confused/drained to be angry at him for this asinine suggestion, which clearly seemed to demonstrate a lack of caring about me and/or a lack of an understanding of how serious and unsettling the past 45 minutes had been. I said: I thought I was being sexually abused for the last 45 minutes and you want to go to sleep now?
We discussed what happened after that, and I’d like to believe (and I think I *do* believe) his suggestion about going to sleep was driven from a lack of understanding of what had just happened rather than a lack of concern.
For the entire 45 minutes of this flashback, I felt like I was trapped in my own body. My mind was (for the most part) formulating plans, asking questions, saying things, but I was almost completely unable to execute the plans or make myself heard.
As for Boyfriend…well. He did well in certain aspects and poorly in others. Since this was the first long and extremely dissociated flashback I’ve ever had in his presence, I hope it’s a learning experience for him. What he did right: asking (multiple times) whether there was anything he could do to help; when he understood what I was saying/asking, he did it immediately; telling me it was 2012 and that he was my boyfriend. What he did wrong: trying to go back to sleep during and after my flashback; using too few facts about my present life to help me ground (the ones he did use were helpful but it would have been more powerful if there were like 5 minutes of present-day facts rather than 5 seconds worth); expecting answers (can I do anything to help?) which would have required coreSelf executive function (which was not possible) rather than stating/suggesting things to help bring coreSelf to present; and answering the question about the stairs in the apartment factually incorrectly.
To Boyfriend’s credit, he did every single things which I and Therapist have suggested he do in these situations. For most of the things I listed in ‘things he did wrong’, it’s gonna take practice and/or additional instruction – I get that these things would not come naturally to someone who sees their loved one in distress, and I’m not particularly bothered by his not doing them. However, I am *extremely* bothered by his trying to go to sleep during and immediately after the flashback. Even if he didn’t know what to do and even if I was not asking him for anything specifically, nothing sends the message that ‘you’re on your own for this one; sorry, too tired to help now’ quite like insisting on sleep. The other thing which bothers me (but to a lesser extent) is the lack of attention to detail/facts when answering the question about stairs in the apartment. To me, that seems to say ‘I don’t want to exert much mental effort here’. The problem is, however, that attention to such detail during a flashback/dissociated phase can, and often does, make an enormous difference when it is coming from the only adult who is fully present.
For those of you worried about the relationship aspect of this whole situation, Boyfriend and I spoke about all the concerns I listed here. With respect to ‘additional things about my present life that could help ground me’, we even discussed things which would (personal details about where I work, who my friends are, etc) and would not (who the President of the US is) be helpful. We discussed why his insistence on going to sleep was hurtful to both me and confusing to my alters. We also discussed the mistrust engendered by the ‘yes stairs/no stairs’ thing and the importance of attention to detail. In other words, Boyfriend is fully aware of all my concerns contained in this post, and since he listened carefully and seemed concerned with how to be more helpful, I’m hopeful for the future.
π₯ what a horrible 45 minutes. I’m so sorry got stuck there.
Thanks, Nic. Flashbacks with this intensity and duration don’t happen so frequently, and I was lucky that, for the last two times I can remember, I was in Therapist’s office.
Yes that sounds so intense. Quite familiar and I think the fact you were able to say just a few words so your bf could do stuff to help you is quite remarkable. I hope next time (if there is a next time of course) your bf is more clued up with what to do and say to get you out of that dissociative space quicker xx
Thank you, Bourbon. It was a real struggle to be able to say those few words, but I’m glad I was able to as well. BF’s assured me a number of times that it has been helpful to go over what was and wasn’t helpful so that he knows how to handle it better next time (if there is a next time).
So sorry you guys were dealing with that. Sounds awful. Hope your ok now?
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Thank you, MoU1980A. I’m definitely not as dissociated today as I was then, so I am heading in the right direction π
Wow – that’s a tough night. Glad your boyfriend is learning – although it may be slow, it is good that he’s getting there. I know that for me, sleep is an automatic response to stressful situations, and that may be what was happening for him – ask him about his reactions to trauma, stress, etc., and you possibly will find that it is a pattern, not abandonment.
hope you’re still improving…
Thanks, Jonno. Yup, his shutting down and/or wanting to go to sleep is entirely a product of his own trauma/abuse. Unfortunately, he does not seem all that motivated to change and there is only so long I can be in a relationship where most of my important relationship needs are simply not being met π¦ Anyway, slowly getting better…less dissociation today, but more straightforward anxiety/PTSD symptoms.
My wife had to give me a sharp kick in the pants to start getting my shit sorted. If he isn’t following your example, maybe he needs an ultimatum… but I suck at relationship advice and it would be odd to give any. Is it odd already? Ugh.
My acupuncturist recently gave me a trick to help with anxiety: Take a couple of nice breaths, then double tap with your finger on your
– ‘third eye’ (between your brows)
-high cheek bones
-either side of your nose
-point of chin
-below each clavicle
-sternum
-and then a 2 gentle karate-chop things on top of the web muscle to your thumbs
I tried it and it kinda helped. Say something nice like ‘I’m calm and in control’. Sounds strange, but if I’m getting shaky, it just seems to ground me.
The acupuncturist’s suggestion sounds like a good idea, and I intend to try it so long as I remember when I find myself dissociating next time. And that is really the big problem – low level dissociation, I cam handle with the grounding skills I’ve learned. The severe dissociation is where I get into trouble because all I can think of is a big empty space devoid of any ideas for grounding.
As for the boyfriend, yeah, he needs a good kick in the pants, but om, even with all I’ve done amd for all the hurt I’ve told him his stuff is causing the relationship, he does not seem to give a f***. And I get that even that is a product of his symptamatology. My therapist and I have been discussing something like a timeline/ultimatum thing. Grrr. I am not a fan, but at this point, I have to consider that the relationship is more harmful than not (and what kills me is that it really is within my boyfriend’s ability to make the small I’m asking for).
Rock and a hard place, huh? You probably need ‘healthy’, or nothing, around you more than someone with issues that get in the way.
One of the reasons I love your blog is because your description of the severe level of dislocation is not something I have gone through, and you’re bringing that extremity of experience very clearly into view. I wish you so much luck in your journey… and I really appreciate the window in. Stay solid…
Thank you for your kind words, Jonno!
In writing this blog, I’ve been trying to not get caught up in minutiae of the day-to-day stuff. I’m really trying to focus on the larger overarching issues. I’ve been in two group therapies and it frustrated me to no end when people got caught up in giving a blow-by-blow of their week (which was what most of the people did most of the time). Oh, it drove me nuts. I understand that this might have felt safe for the person talking because it wasn’t really going to challenge them, but (I almost kinda sort of hate to say this) it was terribly boring to listen to and had very little to do with overall themes/goals.
Rock and a hard place – I’d say! π One of the things I’ve been discussing with my therapist on and off for the last 12 months (the length of the relationship with Boyfriend) is the balance between his needs/my sympathy/patience and my needs. I don’t need someone who is entirely healthy psychologically speaking, but the extent to which Boyfriend is in denial and unwilling to face his own stuff is getting to be way too much for me at this point. As the relationship goes on, he is becoming increasingly unable to function in it because of his issues (which have more or less stayed the same through the course of the relationship but they’re the type of issues that are more bothersome when he’s in a long-term relationship). I think he’s been ok with previous relationships (when I say ‘ok’ I mean that he was never ‘forced’ to look into his own psych stuff) because they didn’t last that long, so it seems like his dysfunction never really got a chance to cripple the relationship. He also has no close friends whom he relates to on a personal level (he distances himself from people because relationships are scary). I was glad to help him recognize the effects his own trauma and anxiety were having on his current behavior, and I helped A LOT in getting him started down the right path toward recovery. But I kinda expected him to fly with it once he got started, and that is failing to happen. π¦ It’s becoming more and more like I’m trying more than he is to connect the dots for him – like I’m healing for two of us and he’s kinda half-assedly along for the ride.
That was me. Hands down, me. If he isn’t ready, he isn’t ready. And like you said, you can’t heal for two (a dreadfully inappropriate joke popped into my head then… but that is, unfortunately, my style – or lack thereof).
Yeah – finding the balance between personal/interesting and personal/oh-god-shut-that-person-up is both challenging and rewarding. It puts things in perspective sometimes. If it’s only interesting to me, then it’s probably not interesting… or important… at all. Like I said – rock on. I’m listening.
You weren’t ready, but apparently your wife’s kick in the pants helped quite a bit!!! (Or maybe her ‘kick in the pants’ and ‘you’re not being ready’ are two different times in your life.) And that’s what I was kinda hoping for with my boyfriend – that enough initial support and help would be enough to get him going. But boo on him, ‘cuz it doesn’t seem to be. I guess it also probably makes a huge difference depending on how long you’ve known the other person. It’s a lot easier to say ‘given your level of resistance and denial, you’re on your own with your psych stuff and we’re breaking up now’ to someone you’ve known for less time (and not living with/sharing common property with/etc) than someone you’ve known longer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can’t mention the possibility of a dreadfully inappropriate joke and then not voice it! <jk, Of course, you can do whatever you want, obviously, but I welcome humor – even the dreadfully inappropriate type.
Speaking of humor….It's helped a lot in my recovery, and it's only when people who have no idea what this recovery entails make jokes that it seems insensitive. Like coming from someone who told me to 'get over my sexual abuse because it happened so long ago' then telling me that my DID is no big deal because it is in the past tense ('did' rather than 'do') – not cool.
Wow – the DID/do joke is dreadful. But it would have been kinda good, if it was delivered by someone who had given ANY evidence of empathy. What a douche!
My wife says some of the most awful things to me you can imagine, but they are hysterical because they come from understanding and love (try – “Oh god – stop talking about the abuse! at least you were there and got to enjoy it!”)…
My joke has, unfortunately, been forgotten. If you would do me the honour of laughing hysterically for five minutes, you’ll know how great it probably was(n’t).
God bless! (can agnostics say that?)
Thanks for your understanding. Haha re: your wife’s comments. I’m sure on the surface, many people who have been abused as children would be horrified at something like “…stop talking about the abuse! at least you were there…”, but it is totally the context/person saying it which makes it ok. If you two are at an understanding/place in your relationship/recovery where she can say that to you and it is funny, kudos to both of you for having such a strong relationship. I think that that sort of relationship goes a long way in healing from child abuse (not just therapy).
I did in fact laugh at your suggestion that I laugh hysterically for five minutes. Unfortunately, it wasn’t for five minutes. Eh, maybe next time π
Agnostics can say anything on God’s green earth they want to say π